Don’t flinch; you are not about to hear about my New Year’s resolutions, though they’re doozies. What I’m going to write about are the resolutions that I WON’T be making this year…or any other year for that matter.
First, I’m not resolving to lose weight. I gave that fight up with my 50th birthday. I accept that chocolate cake is my BFF and that a fully loaded baked potato is my soul mate. The best you will get out of me is that I’ll do my best not to gain more than one pound a year until I die.
Second, I’m not resolving to learn how to garden. Every spring when my kids come over for Mother’s Day to clean out my garden and plant new flowers, I promise myself that I will keep it up. But within weeks, the weeds have taken over and my solar light turtles are lost from sight. I just don’t have a green thumb. Heck, I think I’m allergic to gardening gloves!
Third, I’m not resolving that once a week I’m going to visit one culturally enriching activity. Every since I started working three days a week (12 hours or 8 hours), I told myself that I would visit the local museums, the zoo, or maybe get a season pass to the local symphony. Do I make it? Nada! I just can’t find the time. Of course, I somehow do seem to always make Arby’s every week for a Jamoca Shake. Hmmm. What’s that all about?
It’s not that I’ll NEVER do this things. It’s just that I won’t make official commitments to perform them. I won’t promise to lose weight, but if I should happen to be more careful with my diet and it happens, great! What a wonderful surprise. If I manage to keep one plant alive for longer than the summer, count it as a miracle. And, I’ll probably still make it to the zoo or museums, but it won’t be scheduled. It’ll be a spontaneous treat to myself.
And that’s how my New Year’s non-resolutions go. Most of them are little things. No resolutions to shoot drivers who run yellow lights. No promises to smack parents up aside the head who let their toddlers run the family. No commitments to take over the world even if I do know I can run things better than the present clowns.
Now, I have to get to work on resolutions I have a better chance of succeeding with than my non-resolutions. I resolve to…