New Year’s Non-Resolutions

Don’t flinch; you are not about to hear about my New Year’s resolutions, though they’re doozies.  What I’m going to write about are the resolutions that I WON’T be making this year…or any other year for that matter.

First, I’m not resolving to lose weight.  I gave that fight up with my 50th birthday.  I accept that chocolate cake is my BFF and that a fully loaded baked potato is my soul mate.  The best you will get out of me is that I’ll do my best not to gain more than one pound a year until I die.

Second, I’m not resolving to learn how to garden.  Every spring when my kids come over for Mother’s Day to clean out my garden and plant new flowers, I promise myself that I will keep it up.  But within weeks, the weeds have taken over and my solar light turtles are lost from sight.  I just don’t have a green thumb.  Heck, I think I’m allergic to gardening gloves!

Third, I’m not resolving that once a week I’m going to visit one culturally enriching activity.  Every since I started working three days a week (12 hours or 8 hours), I told myself that I would visit the local museums, the zoo, or maybe get a season pass to the local symphony.  Do I make it?  Nada!  I just can’t find the time.  Of course, I somehow do seem to always make Arby’s every week for a Jamoca Shake.  Hmmm.  What’s that all about?

It’s not that I’ll NEVER do this things.  It’s just that I won’t make official commitments to perform them.  I won’t promise to lose weight, but if I should happen to be more careful with my diet and it happens, great!  What a wonderful surprise.  If I manage to keep one plant alive for longer than the summer, count it as a miracle.  And, I’ll probably still make it to the zoo or museums, but it won’t be scheduled.  It’ll be a spontaneous treat to myself.

And that’s how my New Year’s non-resolutions go.  Most of them are little things.  No resolutions to shoot drivers who run yellow lights.  No promises to smack parents up aside the head who let their toddlers run the family.  No commitments to take over the world even if I do know I can run things better than the present clowns.

Now, I have to get to work on resolutions I have a better chance of succeeding with than my non-resolutions.  I resolve to…


10 thoughts on “New Year’s Non-Resolutions

  1. Great non-list, Jackie! I don’t make resolutions, since I think I’ll be setting myself up for failure. Instead, I word my ‘GOALS’ in a way that give me wiggle-room. Yep, I’m the Queen of Wishy-Washy!

    • Usually, I just make mamby-pamby resolutions so if I don’t keep them, I don’t feel so bad. But after seeing a couple of episodes of HOARDERS and realizing I have three rooms I can barely get through, I have resolved this year to “de-hoard” my house.

  2. Jackie,

    I love the non-resolutions. One year whenever anyone asked me what my New Year’s Resolutions were, I told them “not to make any New Year’s Resolutions!” And I kept that one… Sounding familiar, right?

    Goals we set for ourselves should not be items of self-flagellation. I’m with you on resolving things that we are liable to actually accomplish!

    I’m resolving to get settled into my new home and be prepared for guests as soon as possible. I’m resolving to learn some cool stuff about my new country so that I’m ready to show it off to the random visitor. That’s it for me. spw

  3. Jackie, I love your non-resolutions. Hershey’s Kisses are MY BFF, and a baked potato beats a slab of meat any time! I’ll continue to call exercise “rehab,” because I’m much more dedicated to rehabbing my knee than I am to exercising. Yes, it’s a word game, but I’m a writer; I get to play with words.

    My other goals, when I get around to them, are going to be very fluid. Lfe changes; needs change, and goals have to change with them or they don’t do anything but make me feel bad that I didn’t achieve them. Just call me the Princess of Wishy-Washy, at Queen Margaret’s beck and call. 😉

    • The secret to making resolutions you can keep is to play the word game. You word them in such a way that no matter how you do, it seems like you kept them. Things like “I’ll TRY to lose weight this year.” That way, when you go off your diet by the third day, you’ve already kept your resolution. You tried; too bad you didn’t lose weight.

  4. Jackie, I love your non-resolutions, too. Makes me feel much better about not making any resolutions for myself.

    Fluid. Yeah, I like that term. I think I’ll be “fluid” this year. 😉

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